Title: Opening Gambit (Playing Games series)
Authors: darklingdawns & flake_sake Pairing: Spike/Angel
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Joss, and we're maintaining that Spike belongs to Angel
Warning: Contains strong BDSM and graphic reference to torture
Previous parts here
10pm my place
Be there! (Please)
It was the please that got me. Don't think I've ever heard Angel say that to me unless sex was involved. Of course, there's no guarantee it won't be tonight, especially when I consider that way he copped a feel when he slid the note into my back pocket. But I have to know, have to find out what was so important that he risked one of his little pets seeing him voluntarily touch me in a way that didn't leave bruises. I look at the note again, then stuff it back in my pocket and knock on the door.
He’s here! And he’s not even late! Why isn't he late? Spike's late for everything, but the one time I want him to be, the one time I need him to be, he's right on time. Did he plan this? What am I asking, of course he did. And where’s my shirt? No time to look for it- have to open the door or he might leave. He's standing in the hallway, looking gorgeous and I blurt out, “Sorry, can't seem to find my shirt.”
When he smiles I feel like banging my head against the wall. I seem to have a knack for saying and doing the dumbest things only when Spike's watching. Like yesterday in the meeting, when I was so caught up in watching Spike drink one of the beers he constantly smuggles in here that I missed most of what Wesley was trying to tell me. Since that night at the club I haven't been able to get him out of my mind. And while he hasn't said anything, he does smile more, at least when nobody else is looking. I just don't want to fuck this up, so I've decided to try something different. After all, who can resist a nice dinner invitation?
I stare the gorgeousness that is my sire, too wrapped up in thinking about how I want to lick his chest to respond at first. Eventually I realize that he's staring at me like he's expecting something. “Huh? Oh... yeah.” He moves aside as I step inside, then closes the door behind me. “So what'd you wanna see me about?”
“I just thought that we could have dinner together. I... uh, I got some fresh blood in yesterday and there's this bar downtown that delivers buffalo wings, so I-”
He's adorable when he's fumbling for words. “Wait, lemme get this straight. You wanna have dinner. With me. Here.” What the hell is he up to now?
“For starters.” It seemed like a great idea yesterday, what with getting to watch Spike put things in his mouth. Besides, I know we have to talk, and dinner's as good a time as any. “I'll just go find my shirt.”
“Don't put yourself out for a shirt on my account, pet. Like the view the way it is, don't I?” he purrs. Oh, shit, I'm not gonna be able to keep from lunging over the table at him if he does any more of that. Wait, is he flirting with me?
“I, uh, I'll be right back,” I promise, and head into the bedroom. I need to put some space between us before I just blurt everything out and ruin the whole night.
Never thought I'd say this, but Angel's pretty damn adorable when he's all flustered like that. I have a sneaking suspicion this whole 'dinner' set-up's going to turn out to be a seduction scene, probably complete with a linen tablecloth and candles, but I'm not about to complain. I strip my coat off and hang it up just before he walks back in, still buttoning his shirt. The sight of the red silk reminds me of the last time I saw him wear it, when he got down on his knees for me, and I wonder if he picked that shirt on purpose, or if it was just the first one he grabbed.
“I thought we'd eat outside on the patio,” he says quietly. “It's just through there. Why don't you go sit down and then I'll bring everything out?” He seems nervous, even more than he was when we went to the club.
I nod and head out to the balcony. Sure enough, there's a table waiting that looks like something straight out of a Hollywood romance. I should probably be wondering if this makes me the girl, but I can't seem to help smiling at the effort he went to. The old poof really can be sweet sometimes. I take a seat and wait for him to join me.
I can do this. It's just Spike, after all. He's a normal person- true, an incredibly hot, annoying person that never fails to make me lose control, but that's not important. We'll just sit and talk over dinner, like two civilized vampires. I keep telling myself that as I load the tray up with the plate of buffalo wings, our blood and that onion thing I heard him telling Fred about. Taking a deep breath, I head outside, hoping he won't give me too hard a time about the table.
When I see his eyes light up at the sight of the food, I know I did the right thing. I shove thoughts of feeding him the wings in bed aside and set the tray down in the center of the table, then pour blood into each of our glasses. He grins at me and reaches for his, so I pick mine up as well. “To good company,” I offer.
He cocks his head to the side and stares at me, then slowly nods. “Good company,” he echoes, and takes his first sip. When his eyes widen, I know he's figured out the other part of my surprise. “All right. What the hell's goin' on here, Angel?”
I'm totally, helplessly in love with you and can't think straight anymore. I shrug and ask, “Can't I just want to have a nice dinner with you?”
All right, now I'm sure he's up to something. He never eats human food, but he went out and got wings and an onion thing, and then he offers up human blood to top it all off! “Spose you could, but I don't seem to remember you ever wantin' to before.”
"Thought, we could just spend time and...talk, about the things we did." Talk? He doesn't want to talk, not if the scent pouring off him is any real indication. I raise an eyebrow at him to let him know I'm not fooled, then drain the rest of my blood and go over to his side of the table. If he thinks he's going to tell me that what happened was a mistake, that what we did that night was wrong, he's got another think coming.
Of course, if he wants to do it again, well... no sense wasting time that we could be shagging, right? I straddle his lap and sink down, sliding my hands up to his chest as I look up and lick my lips. “There's lots more interesting things we could do 'stead of talk, pet.”
He kisses me before I can tell him to get up, and my mind goes blank. My hands slide down his spine and I'm kissing him back before I can stop myself. It feels so good to lose myself in him like this, and I wonder how I went a hundred years without it. He starts unbuttoning my shirt, then pulls back. I start to protest the loss, but he strips off his shirt and tosses it on the floor, then reaches for my belt. “See, isn't this better than talkin'?”
Talking! That's what I wanted to do and if I let him open my pants now, we'll never get to it because I won't be able to stop myself once he touches me. Especially if he does what I think he wants to do. I catch hold of his wrists and lightly bite his lower lip. “I love it, but we have to talk first, Spike. I need to get some things straight between us.”
Right. I know what this part's about. “Don't worry, not gonna tell anyone we're shaggin', yeah?” Of course he'd want that bit down before we got started, probably been working himself into a frenzy about it for days. Can't have it get around that the great white hero's fucking a vampire, after all.
I start working my way down his neck, teasing with teeth and tongue and he moans, “Spike... wait... no...”
“No? That mean you don't want me doin' this?” I close my teeth on one of his nipples, then suck lightly on it. “Or this?” I reach down and squeeze his cock through his pants. “An' I'm guessin' you really wouldn't want me on my knees blowin' you, makin' you scream when I bring you off, is that it?”
Oh, Jesus. Spike hasn't sucked me off since Rome and if he does now, it's really all over, and I can't have that just yet. Especially when he thinks I'm ashamed of him, that I don't want to tell my friends about us. I might not want them knowing all the details, because that collar might give Wesley ideas, but that's beside the point. I catch him when he starts to slither out of my lap and try again. “Spike, I-”
He stills instantly and it takes me a second to understand. Fuck, I just pulled rank and used my sire voice. I didn't mean to, but how else was I supposed to get him to listen? That tone was the only thing that used to get through to him, and when he shivers, I can tell he remembers it. He's about to explode any second now, probably punch me in the nose for treating him like a fledgling again and then storm off. I open my mouth to explain, but his low voice interrupts me. “How d'you want me... Master?”
Oh, God. He hasn't called me that since he was a fledge, and the thought of this glorious creature he's become throwing himself at my feet like that shoots straight to my head. Especially now, when I know how strong he is, know that he can beat me in a fight. It isn't force that makes him offer this, and I can't turn him away anymore. We'll talk afterwards, but right now... right now I have to have him.
“Hell,” he whispers, and I know he's not going to fight me anymore. “Get on your knees.”
I slide to the floor, put my hands behind my back and bow my head. I love hearing him use that voice- it never fails to make me hard, and he knows it. At least, he should if he hasn't forgotten everything about how it used to be between us. Maybe he's finally figured it out, maybe he knows now what I've been wanting ever since that first night.
I hear the rustle of cloth and the slide of his zipper, and then he's reaching down to cup my chin and lift my head. I want to look up, see if his eyes are brown or yellow, but I don't dare. Instead I stare at his cock, my mouth watering at the sight of it. His laugh shivers down my spine as he releases me. “Have at it, then, boy! You want it that much, you can show me how much you've missed it.”
Fuck, why does he have to call me that? It's like an instant shot of Slayer blood, and I'm already hard enough to hurt. I groan and lick his cock, then open up and take him inside. And God, the taste of him... it's like coming home, like that first night all over again. I bob my head forward, taking a little more, then start to tease him with little strokes of my tongue, flicking and then circling the tip of his prick.
I gasp as he teases me with his tongue and then slides back down. His mouth is so perfect, like it was made just for my cock. I slide a hand into his hair and urge him further down. "Yeah, that's it, don't stop. You look so marvelous with my cock filling you up like that. And you love every second of it, don't you? You love that I'll have to think of you sucking me off now, every time you open your mouth.”
He moans and nods, then sinks down until I can feel the back of his throat. He pulls off and flicks his tongue at my head, like he's putting on a fucking show, then ducks his head and takes me all the way in with one swallow. "Christ!"
I remember how I taught him to suck cock, how I shoved first a bull whip and then a rosary down his throat to make him overcome his gag reflex. And I know I should regret that, but when he moans and the vibrations nearly send me through the roof, I can't seem to care. He pulls back and then starts sucking me in long strokes until I'm so hard it hurts. He scrapes his teeth over me and sucks hard, and I can't keep still. My fist tugs at his hair and I start thrusting up, fucking his mouth as I get closer. “Fuck... Spike... so good... my boy.”
Precome's flowing like a river down my throat, sweet and heavy and so fucking addicted that I don't ever want to stop tasting him. I can feel him getting harder as his hands grab my hair, shoving me down while he starts to thrust into me. The world falls away until I almost don't know where or when I am. Don't much care, either. I open my mouth for him and moan as he claims me in one of the most basic ways. And I know that no matter what it is he wants, I'll give it to him.
He looks down and our eyes lock just before his hips jerk and he comes, his cock twitching as he shoots down my throat. He pulls my head down but I manage to pull back in time to catch the last few spurts so I can taste him again. It rolls across my tongue like thick honey, bitter and tangy, so good that it makes me shudder with need. He mutters something I don't quite hear, then his hands slip out of my hair and I lick him clean with long, slow swipes of my tongue, just the way I know he likes.
I can't believe I ever let him go. Just thinking about his eyes, so blue and wide, so full of devotion, is enough to make me want more. How did I exist this last century without seeing those eyes every day? And the scent of his arousal... I've never had anyone get so turned on from giving me pleasure. I know it's selfish and wrong, but I want to keep him here forever, tuck this perfect creature under lock and key so nobody but me ever gets to see him, touch him, or have him touch them ever again. I'm depraved, damned beyond any hope of redemption, but as long as I have Spike kneeling at my feet, I don't care.
He licks his lips and I have to taste him. I pull him up onto my lap and kiss him, delving deep inside his mouth, drinking him down as the mingled flavors of blood, Spike and me hit my tongue. He wraps his arms around my neck and opens for me, letting me devour him until he squirms and whispers, “Fuck me?”
The brief flash of alarm that crosses his features almost immediately afterwards cuts deep, because I know what it means. He's remembered whose arms he's in, remembered what the penalty for asking out of turn was, and while I want to assure him that he doesn't have to fear me any longer, some darker part of me laughs with glee at the opening he's just given me. "Want me to fuck you? Throw out all of my carefully made plans and just bend you over right now?”
His growl makes me shiver, but I'm already squirming in his arms and unbuckling my belt, tearing my jeans open. I'll risk the beating if it means I get fucked, and the sooner the better. "Sod the plans, mate. Didn't need 'em anyway, should know that.” I've always been a sure thing as far as he's concerned, never needed seduction before and certainly don't need it now.
"Insolent at the most inappropriate times. That always was one of your problems." He smiles, and the flash of teeth makes me stop dead. That's Angelus's smile, and the brown eyes that stare at me have a cold hardness that I've only ever seen in my sire's gaze. He reaches for my belt and pulls it free, then takes hold of both ends. “Wrists,” he barks, cracking the leather sharply.
My hands shoot out in front of me without thinking. I can't disobey that tone, even it means I'm about to pay dearly for everything I've just done. Hell, who am I kidding? I've been waiting for this since he dragged me out of the club, hoping he'd make me his again. It might now be the exact way I wanted it, but beggars can't be choosers, here. And I can't hide how badly I want him, not when he pulls me to my feet and yanks my jeans down, leaving me standing starkers in front of him, just a heartbeat away from embarrassing myself.
God, he's beautiful. He stands there so trustingly, still my sweet and obedient boy despite all I've done to him. I know I shouldn’t take him up on his offer, should give him a way out or a safe word, like he did at the club, but I can't. He’s mine, completely and unconditionally, and this time I’m going to prove that I can take good care of him.
I wrap the belt around his wrists, pulling it tight before I close the buckle. I'm tempted to lay him out on the table, spread him over it like a decadent feast, but I'd really rather spend the night fucking Spike instead of cleaning up after him, so I grab the belt and my cup of blood. Getting to my feet, I yank him along behind me as I head for the living room, where I shove him down to the floor as soon as we get through the door. We'll do the table another time; right now I have a boy who needs to be reminded of his place, at least for the night. “You break that belt and I'll toss you right out on your ass,” I growl. “I don't care if the building catches fire, you stay right here, got that, boy?”
All I can do is whimper and nod. Yes, Sire. Anything, Sire, Just as long as you fuck me, Sire! But honestly, I don't think any of that would come out if I tried, so I just squirm against his knee as he kneels down between my legs and shiver at the sensation that skitters down my spine. He pets me, his big hand sweeping over my skin like I'm some kind of animal that he's soothing, and waits for me to calm down a little before he speaks.
“Got a bone to pick with you, here, Spike. You see, I didn't get my dinner because some greedy little slut was too hungry for my cock to wait for me to finish. And I ordered this dinner for a very special night that I had planned, so I think I should get to eat it, don't you?”
I'm nodding again before I feel it, the warm wash of blood being drizzled all over my body, coating me in long stripes of red from chest to thighs. Two fingers skate through a small pool of it on my stomach and he offers them to me. I know he wants me to suck on them, get him wet enough to play with me, but I can't resist teasing him a little. I lick his fingers clean instead, trying to hang onto what little shred of control I've got for as long as I possibly can.
So, he thinks he's done sucking for the night? I reach down to smear blood over his nipples, teasing each one to tight little peaks before I duck down and bite, hard. He gasps and I can hear the bones shifting as he vamps out. I stab my fingers into his mouth, slicing one on his fangs. The taste of my blood mixed with the human is too much to resist, and he moans, then starts sucking every last drop off my skin.
I raise my head and smile at him, slowly thrusting my fingers in and out of his mouth, taunting him with what's coming. “Good boy. That's it, get me all wet.” His eyes flutter open for a second, then close again as he keeps sucking. I shift to the side, coating my other hand with blood, then stroke him once, hard. He howls and bites down into my fingers, and I let him take a little more before I pull back.
“My turn to play,” I tell him, then slowly lower my head and lick him from balls to tip. He groans and I can feel him start to shake as I start to tongue bathe him, thoroughly cleaning the blood off before I stroke him and add more, then start over again. By the time I finish with the fourth round, he's whimpering steadily, ever bit as out of control with need as I was.
Jesus Christ, he's trying to kill me! I know this is way of getting me back, both for the other night and for messing with his little seduction scene earlier, and I guess death by denied orgasm is better than barbed wire cock rings or fucking me raw over and over again, like he used to. He slides his fingers out of my mouth and I gasp, “Please!”
“Please what?” God, that purr again, so close to my cock that I can almost feel it roll over my skin. He swirls his tongue around my tip, teasing the slit open until I can feel the precome bubble out in a stream. And I know I'm supposed to be a master vampire, but right now I think I'd sing 'God Save the Queen' stark naked in the middle of the lobby with 'Angel's Bitch' tattooed on my right ass cheek if he'd just-
“Suck me, please, please, sire, need you,” he babbles. And there it is, that last little abandonment I was waiting for. Maybe he's a quick study after all. I reward him with a kiss on the tip of his dick and slide my fingers back to stroke over his hole.
“Keep still,” I tell him, then take him into my mouth and suck hard. He gasps and claws at the carpet, struggling not to buck up into my mouth, but I know he will. This is part of the fun of it, after all, giving him orders I know he can't follow so I can watch him struggle. He moans and tenses up, so I take him a little deeper in, letting my teeth just barely catch his skin. Somehow he manages to hold on, so I slide one finger inside, barely penetrating him while I move halfway down his cock.
Oh, holy fuck, he really is trying to kill me! Not gonna give in, though, not gonna move... I can feel myself shaking with the effort, know he can feel it as well, but I clench my teeth together. Gotta show him, gotta prove that I'm better than I was the last time we did this, even if I think I'm gonna dust if he holds back much longer.
A second finger slides inside and then he does it. He purrs around my cock and takes me deep, and I scream. "Sire!" The strangled sound is one I'd be ashamed of it were anybody except him sucking me. He always did know how to make me lose it, and he's proving now that he hasn't forgotten a bloody thing. I arch up, then squirm, trying to get him to touch that place inside, that- right there! "God, yes!"
I stroke my fingers over his prostate, purr one last time and then pull back just before he goes over the edge. “You know the rules better than that, boy. No coming until I say you can, and I've waited long enough to get inside you.” I stand up and peel my pants off, then walk into the bathroom, chuckling when I hear him protest, “But- ANGEL!”
It only takes a few seconds to grab the lube, but I take my time getting back to him, letting him hear me turn the water on and off while he waits. It's petty, I know, but he deserves it after jumping the gun on our night like he did. He's writhing on the floor when I get back, his skin a gorgeous counterpoint to the deep blue carpet as he thrusts his hips up against the air. I lean against the doorway and watch for a minute, stroking my dick at the picture he makes. One day I'm going to have to sketch him like this, but not now.
I go back to kneel between his legs, flipping the cap open and squeezing some lube out onto my fingers. “Miss me?” I ask softly, working my fingers back inside, twisting them as I start to fuck him.
He starts to move as much as he can, working himself on my fingers, and I lean down to kiss him. “Missed this,” he sighs. “Need you, Angel, please. Gotta feel you inside me, luv.”
I love how ready he is to beg, how gorgeous he is in his need. He's so sweet in this state, I couldn't deny him if I wanted to. "Going to take care of you now, boy,” I promise, moving to slick myself up, pressing against him for a second before I push forward.
He presses into me, a slow slide of cock that leaves me feeling- "So full. Christ, Angel, so fucking full!" I wriggle a little, moaning at how good he feels inside, then look up at him. He's beautiful, and I think I'd spend forever with any torment he dreamed up just for a few moments of this. I wrap my legs around his hips as his hands come up to hold my wrists down, then rock up to meet him when he starts to move.
“God, I love you,” he mutters. “Love it when you need me like this.” Angelus always did get romantic when we were in the middle of a bleeding brilliant shag. My heart doesn't seem to know that he doesn't mean it, though, cause it tightens and I can feel the words push up into the back of my throat, so I start nibbling on his neck to keep them back. Can't tell him, not now, not like this, not ever.
But he's picking up speed now and then he twists his hips and I see stars. I can't hold back any longer, have to feel him, have to have him. My whole world has narrowed down to Angel. Angel's cock in my ass, sending fire rushing through me with every stroke, Angel's hands around my wrists, pinning me in place until I can't do anything but lie there and take it. Take him. I buck underneath him and moan, "God, Angel! More... please, want more. Need it, need you so much..."
I can't stop. I know I'm insane for telling him like this, but I can't help myself. I drive into him harder and faster, pounding him back into the floor with every thrust. He's straining against the belt, rising up to meet me, ecstasy filling his face with a light that drives me completely wild. God, I want to bite him so badly now. Want to taste his strength, his unadulterated passion again. But I think this time it's out of question. If I take that step, it'll get too close to perfection for sure, so I just fuck him even harder for all I'm worth and order him "Come for me, Spike!"
He arches up and I can feel him clenching around me as he drenches us both in come, pulling me over the edge with him. I push my final thrusts into his convulsing body and scream his name, desperately trying to find some thought to keep me from careening off into that absolutely perfect moment. He's just so beautiful beneath me, his head thrown back, his throat bare and open for me, and the need to bite fires through me. I can feel Angelus deep inside, pushing at me to take that last step, to sink fangs into that pale flesh, and while I'll never know where it came from, somehow I hold myself back.
I drift back to earth from where I've been floating somewhere out in the stratosphere, only to find that Angel hasn't moved. He's still buried inside me, his hands clamped around my wrists, his face closed in what almost looks like pain. I know it can't be something I've done though. Can it?
“Angel?” He doesn't answer, just turns his head to one side and it hits me. He got his end away and this is the 'get out, Spike' part. Never mind that I offered him my throat, never mind that he rejected me again, never mind that he just pumped about a gallon of come into me. He's done and now I'm gone. Well, fine by me. I wriggle a little bit and wait for him to look at me. “Get off me."
What?! I look down to see Spike glaring at me. “Get off me,” he repeats, and shoves my chest. But- after we just- he wants to leave?!? How can he do that again? Doesn't he get that I love him? Need him?
I pull out of him, but I don't let go of his wrists. I'll be damned if I let him bolt again. Just treat him like a person, I remind myself. A person that needs to be pinned down right now. "Spike, that was amazing. I-”
"- love my tight little ass," he says flatly "Now, you mind unstrappin' me so I can take my amazin' ass home an' get cleaned up?"
Okay, so the whole person thing isn't working. Maybe the Sire thing will. I take a breath and say in my best Angelus tone, "I do mind, actually. You're going nowhere until I say you can, boy.” The second I see his nostrils flare, I know I just fucked up. Again.
Well, that's a new twist. And not exactly a welcome development. I kick him off of me, then sit up and start working my wrists free of the belt. It was just sex, gotta remember that. Bloody brilliant fucking, but that's all it was. Can't let it go to my head or I'll find myself somewhere I definitely don't want to be again. "Don't recall askin' your permission, mate."
He doesn't bother to say anything, just grabs me by the waist and tosses me over his shoulder, then starts for the bedroom. "What the fuck are you doing? Lemme go!" I twist and turn, but he has me tight. "Angel! Goddammit, put me down!"
He plops me down on the bed and before I can get up, he's got cuffs locked around my wrists! I pull against them as hard as I can, but they don't give at all, and I know I'm fucked even more than I just was. He's standing at the foot of the bed staring at me and I sigh. "Fine. Whatever you're gonna do, just... do it an' get it over with."
The little shit. I'm still tingling in the aftermath and he wants to pick a fight with me. I breathe out sharply and shake my head at the bundle of defiant resignation that I just chained to my bed. "God, Spike, I wanna do about a hundred things to you right now, and strangling is not that far down on the list, but we need to talk this out." I walk over to his side. "Why the hell do you run away every time we make lo- get close?"
He glares at me and I sigh. I don't understand why he thinks staying would be such a horrible thing. I mean, I understand why he left after the first time- my approach was less than stellar. “Look, I know I was a jealous prick that first night. I lost control- seems to be a thing when you're around. But that night at the club...” I want to ask what I did wrong then. I did just as he said, obeyed his every whim and still he left me standing at the door.
“That was your choice, pet. Can't get angry with me cause you took it an' liked it.” He just stares at me, not taking the bait, and I see where this is going. This is going to be talk about our feelings time. Soul must be all guilty about enjoying such magnificent shags or some such. "Look, we fucked. It was fun, it was... well, fuckin' incredible, but that's what it was, yeah? Don't need the red exit sign flashin' on to know when it's time for me to head out."
He rakes a hand through his hair and asks, “Would it kill you to stay for a while, though, instead of leaving the second you- we finish?”
"Yeah, right. Stay until you decide you're done with me, is that it? No thanks, mate, rather-"
"What the hell do you want from me, Spike? You say you don't want me to treat you like he did, but when I'm trying to treat you like a person, you won't so much as say two words to me!" He looks like he's about to stroke out or something, and I'm ready to start yelling when suddenly he asks, "Do you want him back?"
"Want WHO back? Gotta start makin' some sense here, don'tcha?" The rage I can hear in his voice is making my head spin. What the fuck is he talking about? And why is he looking at me like that, like I'm the lowest thing on earth who somehow still managed to kick his puppy dog?
"Angelus! Is that it, you want fucking Angelus back? Do you get off on being treated like dirt, is that what it is?” I demand. I see him start to struggle against the chains and I can't keep the words back any longer. “If I whip you so you can't walk for days, if I take everything away that you ever liked just to see how long you can cry, if I keep you here and rape you with a cross every hour or so, will you stay then?”
“Fuck you,” he spits, his eyes like icicles. I've done it now, killed everything that might ever have been between us, and I feel my heart break. “God, what do I have to do to make you believe that I love you?"
He goes very still all of a sudden, his eyes widening. “Don't,” he says, his voice choked like he's trying to keep quiet, but I can't stop now.
“You're driving me insane, Spike! You're just about the only creature in the world that actually gets what it's really like, how it feels to be a vampire with a soul. You're the only one I really want by my side when the big fight goes down, and the only one I want nearby after it's over. And you know why? Because around you, I can let go. I don't have to be the shining champion or the evil demon or the big important boss. I can just be me. I've always loved you, but it's different now. Now I just have to look at you and you remind me of why I want to save the world.”
I can't take it anymore. Sitting here and listening to him say those things... it's tearing me up inside. "Don't say that! Don't you fucking say another word! You can't just say somethin' like that when you an' I both know you don't mean it! You wanna hear me say it? Fine! I'd rather have Angelus than you cause he's a helluva lot less cruel!" He never tried to break my heart like this.
His fist shoots towards me, then stops less than an inch from my face. “You can't mean that!” he cries, his voice shaking. “He never tried to see you as anything besides his bitch, his private fucktoy to play with however he wanted. And now, now that you've got a soul... he'd kill you the first chance he got. You can't possibly mean it."
I wonder why he thinks I don't know what would happen the second Angelus got free. "He was honest," I reply in a low voice. "Never promised anythin' he couldn't give, never-"
"What can't I give you, Spike? What kind of proof do you need before you'll believe that I'm in love with you? I don't know what else to do, what else I can give you, so tell me!“ I feel like I'm going to throw up, especially when he closes his eyes, like he can't bear to look at me. I sigh and ask, ”Do you have any idea how close you just came to getting your damned beloved Sire back?"
"What do you... " He stops suddenly, going almost impossibly still. And just when I'm about to give up and let him out, I hear it: the shaking whisper of a terrified childe. "Angelus?"
"What?! No!" I grab his shoulders and shake him when he still won't look at me. “Do you actually think I'd tie you up to talk if I'd lost my soul?” He's shaking, so I sink down on the mattress by his hip and wait for him to open his eyes. “It's still me, Spike. But it was close- very close. It just takes a moment, you know. One goddamn second where I lose myself in someone I love, where I let go of all the worries, and it's all over.”
Yeah, it's still there. I can see his soul shining in his eyes, and I relax a little bit. That is, until I realize- "You nearly lost your soul... over me?" Wait. If he nearly lost his soul, then that must mean- "You... Angel?"
"Yes, that's what I was trying to tell you the whole time. I love you, Spike, but I'll never be able to let go of this. If I do, he'll be back, and he'll ruin everything and everyone I care about." His voice gets quieter as he talks, but I'm still stuck on those three words I never thought I'd hear.
He loves me. Angel loves me. My sire loves me!! I want to scream and howl, let everybody know that finally he- But he loved Buffy too. Still does, doesn't he? And when he thought she was too hard to be around... "You sayin' you're gonna leave?" And God, I hate the way I sound, like a child begging for reassurance, but I really don't think I could take it if he walked away from me now, not after telling me this.
He hesitates for a second, then says softly, “You want me gone, I'm gone."
I look down at the bedspread, the way its rumpled on the satin sheets, and wonder what it would be like to sleep there. What it would be like to wake up in his arms under that down comforter, what it would be like to... make love on those sheets. To finally get to feel him make love to me the way I've wished for since I crawled out of my grave. And I know there's only one thing I can say: "Don't go."
My chest aches, and I can almost feel my heart beat when he says the words. At least with Buffy I could pretend that she would be happier in the long run, tell myself that I was doing what was best for her. But with Spike, I'd have nobody to blame for the empty void in my heart but myself. His eyes are sparkling, glowing with a light that I haven't ever seen in them. It's quiet and sweet, and all for me. I lean over to kiss him, placing small light kisses all over his face. “I won't,” I assure him in between kisses.
He turns his head, trying to catch my lips, but I can't stop, want to learn every last inch of him and memorize it. He pulls against the chains, and the metal rattling makes me look up. I give him a sheepish grin. “Um, sorry about that. I should've found another way, but I didn't know... I'll make it up to you, though, okay?”
“Don't care, just lemme out! Need to touch you, pet, please,” he begs with a low whimper. Shit, I hadn't thought about that! I grab the key from the nightstand and unlock him. The chains fall away and the second he's free he reaches for me. “God, Angel... love you, sire. Always loved you, never thought-” And I know I should let him talk, but I can't wait to kiss him any longer.
A part of me still can't believe this isn't some kind of dream. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up alone back in my craphole apartment, with no Angel anywhere. But then he's kissing me, whispering against me lips and telling me again that he loves me, and it's so close to heaven I can almost taste it. When he finally pulls back, his face is alight with a smile that's positively... angelic. I pull him back down for another kiss, abandoning myself completely to my Angel and his love for me.